My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
