you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize