He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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