just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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