i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
