Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
