I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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