What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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