Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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