I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
