I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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