Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
