Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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