I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize