I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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