Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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