Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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