I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
That accounts for only three of the penises
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
