3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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