I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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