maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
