dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
