All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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