Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
