Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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