you guys were way drunker than both of me
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
