Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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