I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
