Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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