I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
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