I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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