I just pynch a tree in the face
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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