I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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