We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
