The beer is more important than you right now.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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