Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
