I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize