I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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