I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
