I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
