i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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