im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
