I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
