I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
