You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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