I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
