did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
