I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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