Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
