I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I accidentally had phone sex last night
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
