Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
