Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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