I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
