we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize