The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
