Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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