cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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