U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
