planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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